Slogans

Well, there you have it.  It's my negative self talk that says I can't do it, I'm afraid to do it alone, I need someone else to make me ok.  Why don't I tell myself I'm safe, confident, capable?  Why so often the opposite perception - that I'm not good enough, or able enough, experienced enough?  Even where I lack experience, I'm not without mental capacity, not without situational awareness so as to make decisions based on what's before me.  I get angry with myself for this negativity towards my own capacity to do, to be, to perform what is required of me or even what I just want to do.  Frankly, I'm just tired sometimes.  I don't want to have to do it on my own.  I want to just be taken care of, to be provided for, to be loved and accepted just for who and what I am and not based on meeting some expectation.  Just to be.  It's sometimes frustrating to feel that a whole life, my whole life, must be given to some purpose, some cause, something required, expected, necessary and not just experienced without conditions.  So, now, in order to change that perception, what is required?  Even that, see, is another something I must do, that only I can do.  I must choose to turn my thoughts from negative to positive.  I must choose to let go, to trust, to do the next indicated thing, to keep it simple.  I must think, and decide how important something is.  It might be quite important.  Or not.  Put into the proper perspective, it will lose it's power to dominate my thoughts and my life.  Ok, alright, so I will take that action, for today, for now, this moment.  I will seek.  I will accept God's will, no matter what it is.  Well, there you have it.  Morning perceptions. 

Retreat?

I attended a retreat this weekend - a roundup we call it - an orderly withdrawal from the routine of every day life.  Problem is, I don't do much retreating - other than being away from home, the big city, and such.  We, my husband and I, keep too busy - there are a few places we like to take first timers who attend - and we always do.  We want to show them the lovely area, the amazing All Saints Chapel at University of the South,

the Lodge Cast Iron store at the foot of the mountain, the Smoke House restaurant with it's fabulous fudge and other delights, the cross at the top of the mountain,

the Monteagle Assembly homes.  It's all fun and I enjoy seeing others taking pleasure in some of the places and doing a little shopping and exploring.  However, I realized I'm not retreating much.  I'm not withdrawing much.  I'm busy from early morning to late at night while there.  I did very much enjoy the time spent out at the bonfire on Saturday night. 

It was perfect outside, stars and planets shining, full moon, and cool but not cold and the crackling fire and roasted marshmallows were delightful. I even made a s'more!!  

So, how do I make the choice to not participate in those outings?  Will I be bored if I just stay in, take a nap, or read or work in my art journal?

Will my friends feel neglected or ignored?  I'm not sure what it means to take care of myself in this situation because I do enjoy the fellowshhip going around together. What's my perception of what the weekend is supposed to be? What do I want from it?. Must ponder this more.